A fear of abandonment is when you worry a lot about being left, rejected or separated from someone you care about. It is common in borderline personality disorder (BPD) and can strongly affect your thoughts, feelings and behaviour in relationships.
These fears can feel overwhelming and may come up even in small, everyday situations.
What does a fear of abandonment feel like?
You might feel intense anxiety if someone is late, busy or doesn’t reply quickly. Small changes in behaviour, like a delayed text, may make you worry that they no longer care.
You may also feel empty, insecure or panicked when you are alone. These feelings can be hard to control and may happen often.
How can it affect relationships?
A fear of abandonment can change the way you act with the people you care about. You might feel the need to check in constantly, seek reassurance or stay very close to others to make sure they won’t leave. You could avoid conflict or hide your true feelings because you worry disagreement might push them away.
Sometimes the fear can make you act in ways that unintentionally push people away. For instance, overreacting to small issues or becoming clingy. You may feel jealous or suspicious even without reason. This can create tension and misunderstandings, making relationships feel unstable or stressful.
The fear can also affect your independence. You might struggle to spend time alone or make decisions without someone else’s approval. This can increase anxiety and dependence on others.
Over time, these patterns can make it harder to build trust and maintain healthy, balanced relationships.
Why do people with BPD have a fear of abandonment?
People with BPD often experience fear of abandonment because of past experiences and emotional patterns. Many have faced neglect, rejection or instability in childhood, which can make relationships feel unsafe. Trauma, loss or sudden separation from loved ones can also contribute.
In BPD, emotional dysregulation plays a big role. Strong emotions are harder to manage. So even small changes in a relationship, like a delayed message or someone being busy, can feel like rejection or loss. Low self-esteem and a strong desire for closeness can make the fear feel urgent and overwhelming.
Understanding these causes can help you recognise why these fears appear and guide therapy and coping strategies.
Read more: What causes BPD?
How can you cope with fear of abandonment?
You can manage these feelings with different strategies:
- Balance closeness and space: Learning to enjoy both connection and personal time can help you feel safer in relationships.
- Therapy: Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help you understand triggers, manage strong emotions, and respond more calmly.
- Mindfulness and grounding: Breathing exercises, meditation, or focusing on the present moment can help you stay calm when emotions feel overwhelming.
- Healthy communication: Talking openly with trusted people about your fears can reduce anxiety and prevent misunderstandings.
- Build self-esteem: Activities that help you value yourself and your independence can reduce worries about being left.
Summary: What is a fear of abandonment?
A fear of abandonment is an intense worry about being left or rejected. It can affect your emotions, thoughts and behaviour, sometimes leading to clinginess, jealousy or pushing others away. These fears often come from past experiences and emotional dysregulation.
With ongoing support, you can manage these fears and develop healthier, more secure relationships.