Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can mean dealing with sudden, powerful urges that feel impossible to resist. These impulses might lead to risky behaviours like spending too much, drinking, self-harming or suddenly ending relationships. It can feel like everything happens in a split second, leaving you trying to pick up the pieces afterwards.
But here’s the good news: impulsive urges don’t have to control you. With the right tools, you can slow things down and find ways to pause before acting. It’s not about being perfect or never slipping up. It’s about building skills over time, being kind to yourself and learning what works for you.
Let’s explore some practical ways to manage those urges, step by step.
Table of Contents:
What are impulsive urges?
Impulsive urges are strong, sudden feelings that push you to act quickly without thinking it through. These urges can be emotional or physical and often feel like they take over your whole body.
For people with BPD, impulsivity is a common symptom. It can be part of how the brain responds to stress, fear or emotional pain. You might act on an urge as a way to cope or feel relief, even if the action causes harm in the long run.
Common impulsive behaviours might include:
- Overspending or gambling
- Driving recklessly
- Having risky sex
- Binge eating
- Using drugs or alcohol
- Quitting jobs or relationships suddenly
- Self-harm or suicidal behaviour
These actions might give you a temporary sense of control or escape, but they often bring guilt, shame or bigger problems later. That’s why learning how to manage the urge before it turns into action can be life-changing.
Learn to spot the early signs
Impulsive urges usually don’t come out of nowhere. If you pay close attention, you might notice small changes that come before an urge hits.
These early signs could be:
- A tight feeling in your chest or stomach
- A rush of energy or restlessness
- A racing heart or shallow breathing
- A thought like “I can’t take this anymore” or “I need to do something now”
- Feeling detached, numb or like you’re outside your body
Try to track what happens in your mind and body before an impulsive action. You could keep a journal or use a note on your phone. Over time, this can help you recognise your patterns and act sooner.
Pause and ground yourself
When you notice an urge rising, your first job is not to fix everything. It’s just to pause. Even a 10-second delay can help you create a gap between the urge and the action.
Here are a few simple grounding techniques you can try:
1. The 5-4-3-2-1 method
This helps you connect to the present using your senses. Name:
- 5 things you can see
- 4 things you can touch
- 3 things you can hear
- 2 things you can smell
- 1 thing you can taste
2. Temperature change
Hold an ice cube, splash cold water on your face or step outside. A sudden change in temperature can reset your nervous system.
3. Breathe slowly
Try box breathing: breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4, out for 4 and hold again for 4. Do this a few times.
4. Say it out loud
Name the urge. For example, “I’m feeling the urge to send a risky message because I feel rejected.” Speaking it out loud (or writing it down) helps create space from it.
Make an urge management plan
When you’re not in crisis, it’s helpful to create a plan you can turn to when urges strike. Think of it like a toolkit. It won’t always work perfectly, but it gives you something to reach for instead of going straight to impulsive behaviour.
Here’s how you can build your plan:
1. List your common urges
Think about the impulsive behaviours you tend to go to. What’s their usual trigger? What do you feel just before?
2. Create a “pause list”
Write down a few things that help you delay or distract. These could be:
- Going for a walk
- Listening to loud music
- Texting a friend
- Playing a game on your phone
- Doodling or scribbling
- Doing star jumps or push-ups
The goal is not to make the urge disappear, but to ride it out like a wave. Most urges peak and then fade within 20 to 30 minutes.
3. Add soothing options
Sometimes distraction isn’t enough. If the urge is connected to emotional pain, you might need comfort. Try:
- Wrapping yourself in a blanket
- Watching a favourite show
- Using a weighted item (like a soft toy or heavy cushion)
- Holding a warm drink
- Saying kind things to yourself out loud
Soothing isn’t selfish. It’s a skill, and it takes practice.
4. Note your support people
Who can you reach out to when things feel intense? Make a list of safe people, crisis lines or mental health services you trust. Keep it somewhere easy to find.
Be kind to yourself
Managing impulsive urges takes time, patience and loads of self-compassion. You’re not weak or broken because you struggle with this. Your brain is doing its best to cope with pain and strong emotions.
If you do act on an urge, it doesn’t mean all your progress is lost. Try to avoid the “all-or-nothing” thinking. You can always begin again.
After an urge passes, ask yourself gently:
- What was I feeling in that moment?
- What helped, even a little?
- What might I try differently next time?
- What can I do now to care for myself?
You don’t have to do this alone. Therapy (especially DBT or CBT) can help you build skills to manage impulses. Support groups, online communities and self-help books can also offer ideas and comfort.
Build a life that helps you feel safe
The more overwhelmed, lonely or unstable you feel, the harder it is to resist impulsive urges. That’s why part of managing them is working on the bigger picture of your life too.
Here are a few areas to think about:
1. Routine
Having regular meals, sleep and activities gives your body and brain a sense of structure. This helps reduce the emotional chaos that can fuel impulsive urges.
2. Boundaries
Saying no to things that drain or harm you is an act of self-protection. This might mean setting limits with others or online spaces.
3. Purpose
Doing things that feel meaningful or creative can shift your focus from pain to growth. You don’t have to solve everything overnight. Small things count.
4. Connection
Feeling seen and understood makes it easier to ride the waves of distress. Even one supportive relationship can make a difference.
You deserve safety, support and a life that feels worth living. Impulsive urges don’t have to define you. With time and practice, you can learn to respond instead of react.
Final thoughts: How to manage impulsive urges
Managing impulsive urges when you have BPD is not easy, but it is possible. Every time you notice an urge, pause and make a different choice, you are building strength. Every time you slip and choose to try again, you are growing resilience.
Be gentle with yourself. Healing isn’t a straight line, and you don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to keep showing up for yourself, one moment at a time.
You’re not alone, and you are not your impulses. You are someone who is learning, step by step, how to feel more in control. That’s something to be proud of.
