When people hear the word splitting, they might imagine something physical — like a log being split in two. But in the world of mental health, splitting is something quite different. It’s a psychological term, often associated with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), that describes a very human way of coping with emotional stress.
If you or someone you care about lives with BPD, understanding splitting can be an important step towards compassion, connection and healing. Let’s break it down together.
Table of Contents:
What is splitting in mental health?
In simple terms, splitting is a defence mechanism. It’s a way the brain tries to make sense of confusing, overwhelming or painful feelings. With splitting, things — and people — are often seen as all good or all bad, with no in-between.
This black-and-white thinking helps protect someone from emotional pain, especially when they fear being hurt, abandoned or rejected. But over time, it can lead to difficulties in relationships and self-image.
A real-life example
Imagine a close friend who cancels plans last-minute. In that moment, someone experiencing splitting might feel devastated and think, “They’re so selfish — they don’t care about me at all.” Just a day earlier, they might have felt, “They’re the best person I know.” Both feelings are genuine, but they sit at opposite ends of the emotional spectrum.
How splitting shows up in BPD
Splitting is especially common in those living with Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD is a mental health condition marked by intense emotions, unstable relationships and a fragile sense of self. People with BPD often feel things more deeply and react more strongly than others.
In this emotional storm, splitting becomes a way to survive. It helps make the world feel more predictable — even if it’s not entirely accurate.
People as “all good” or “all bad”
One of the key signs of splitting is idealising someone one moment and then devaluing them the next. This isn’t manipulation — it’s a reflection of the intense emotional shifts that come with BPD.
At the heart of this is a deep fear of abandonment. When someone feels close, safe and present, they may be seen as perfect. But if they disappoint, pull away or trigger any painful emotion, they may suddenly seem cruel or untrustworthy.
Splitting and self-image
Splitting doesn’t just affect how someone sees others — it can also impact how they see themselves. Someone with BPD might feel confident and lovable in the morning, only to feel worthless and unlovable by the evening. These inner shifts can be exhausting and hard to explain to others.
Splitting vs. narcissism or manipulation
It’s important to say: splitting is not the same as being manipulative or narcissistic. These terms are often confused or misused, especially online.
Someone experiencing splitting isn’t trying to control or trick others. They’re often in genuine distress, trying to make sense of strong emotions with the tools they have.
Labelling someone as “toxic” or “manipulative” because they switch between idealising and devaluing is not only unhelpful — it can be deeply hurtful. Understanding the difference can foster more compassion and less judgement.
Why does splitting happen?
Splitting isn’t a choice. It’s not done to get attention or to hurt anyone. It usually develops in childhood as a way to manage emotions when a child doesn’t feel safe, seen or understood.
If emotional needs weren’t met consistently — if love came and went, or if caregivers were unpredictable — the brain learns to cope by separating things into black and white. It becomes too painful or confusing to hold two truths at once, like “Someone loves me, but sometimes they hurt me.”
So, splitting steps in. It says, “They’re either all good or all bad. That’s easier to understand.”
The impact of splitting on relationships
Relationships can be challenging when splitting is at play, both for the person experiencing it and for those close to them.
For the person with BPD
Splitting can leave someone feeling constantly let down, confused or betrayed by others. Because people are seen in extremes, trust and stability can be hard to maintain. One small action — like a delayed text — might feel like a deep rejection.
For friends, family and partners
Loved ones may feel like they’re walking on eggshells. One moment they’re adored, the next they’re pushed away. This back-and-forth can be painful, especially when they don’t understand what’s going on beneath the surface.
The good news? Understanding splitting can help everyone involved feel less hurt and more connected.
How to manage splitting
Absolutely. With the right support, many people living with BPD learn to recognise when splitting is happening and to respond in healthier ways.
Therapy is key
One of the most effective therapies for BPD is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). DBT helps people build skills to manage intense emotions, navigate relationships and reduce black-and-white thinking.
In DBT, someone might learn to pause when they notice a strong emotional shift, ask themselves what’s really going on and practise seeing the bigger picture. Over time, this can help reduce the power of splitting.
Self-awareness and reflection
Keeping a journal, tracking mood patterns or talking things through with a trusted person can help bring more clarity to emotional highs and lows. Noticing when splitting shows up is the first step towards change.
How to support someone who experiences splitting
If someone you love struggles with splitting, your support can make a world of difference — even if things feel rocky at times.
1. Don’t take it personally
When someone suddenly pulls away or lashes out, try to remember: it’s not really about you. They’re likely responding to a deep inner fear or emotional wound. Staying calm, kind and consistent can help rebuild trust.
2. Stay steady
Splitting often gets worse when relationships feel unstable. By setting clear, gentle boundaries and showing up reliably, you can help reduce the intensity of emotional swings.
3. Be curious, not critical
Instead of saying “That’s not true!” when someone sees you as ‘all bad’, try asking, “What made you feel that way?” This invites conversation rather than conflict.
Final thoughts: What is splitting?
Splitting is a deeply human response to emotional pain. In the context of BPD, it becomes a way to manage the highs and lows of intense feelings — not something to be ashamed of.
If you live with BPD, or love someone who does, know this: splitting doesn’t define you. It’s a part of your experience — not your identity.
Healing from the patterns of splitting takes time, patience and support, but it is possible. With therapy, self-kindness and stable relationships, many people go on to build lives full of connection, trust and emotional resilience.
