Self-harm is when someone hurts themselves as a way of coping with difficult feelings or experiences. It can be hard to know how to support someone who self-harms, especially if you feel shocked, upset or unsure what to say. This guide will help you respond in a safe, respectful and helpful way.
Table of Contents:
What is self-harm?
Self-harm is when someone deliberately injures themselves to manage emotional pain. It can take many forms, including:
- cutting or scratching the skin
- hitting or punching themselves
- burning
- pulling out hair
- taking overdoses
Not everyone who self-harms wants to end their life. For many people, it is a way to cope or gain relief. However, it can still be dangerous and may lead to serious injury or increase the risk of suicide over time.
Try to approach the topic with empathy and curiosity, not judgement.
Understand self-harm
Self-harm is usually a sign of emotional distress. It is not always linked to suicidal feelings, but it can increase a person’s risk over time. People self-harm for many reasons, including:
- to express emotional pain
- to feel a sense of control
- to punish themselves
- to feel something when feeling numb
Try not to judge or make assumptions. Instead, focus on understanding and offering support.
How to help someone who is self-harming
Start with listening
If someone tells you they are self-harming, listen calmly and without judgement. You don’t need to have all the answers. Just being there can make a big difference.
Things you can say:
- “I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. I’m here for you.”
- “You’re not alone. Thank you for telling me.”
- “Would you like to talk about what’s going on?”
- “I’m not sure what to say, but I want to help.”
Things to avoid saying:
- “Why would you do that?”
- “You’re just doing it for attention.”
- “Stop doing this to yourself.”
- “Others have it worse than you.”
These types of comments can feel dismissive or blaming, even if that is not your intention.
Encourage them to get help
You can support someone to find professional help, but try not to pressure them. Self-harm can feel very private, and the person may not be ready to speak to a doctor or therapist straight away.
Ways to help:
- Offer to go with them to see their GP
- Help them find local or online support services
- Talk about support options like therapy or helplines
- Respect their pace and choices
Useful services include:
Focus on safety
You may not be able to stop someone from self-harming, but you can help them stay safer.
What you can do:
- Ask if they have first aid supplies or need help treating injuries
- Talk about harm reduction techniques, if they are open to it
- Encourage them to create a safety plan
- Offer to check in regularly if they want that
Avoid trying to control their behaviour or remove items without consent. This can feel like a breach of trust and may make things worse.
Look after yourself too
Supporting someone who self-harms can be emotionally demanding. It’s important to care for your own wellbeing too.
- Set clear boundaries about what you can and can’t do
- Talk to someone you trust about your feelings (without breaking the person’s confidentiality)
- Access support for yourself if needed, such as a GP or therapist
- Take time to rest and do things that help you feel grounded
You don’t have to do everything on your own.
Be patient and stay connected
Self-harm is often linked to deep emotional pain. Recovery takes time, and there may be setbacks. Staying connected and showing you care can make a big difference.
- Keep in touch, even with a simple message
- Let them know you’re thinking of them
- Avoid giving ultimatums or demanding they stop
- Remind them that they are not alone and things can get better
Summary: How to support someone who self-harms
Supporting someone who self-harms involves being calm, kind and non-judgemental. Listen without pressure, avoid criticism, and gently encourage them to get help. Focus on safety, look after yourself and stay connected. Small acts of care and understanding can go a long way.
You’re not expected to fix things – just to walk alongside them as they find their own way forward.
