Supporting someone you care about when they’re in crisis can be overwhelming, especially if they live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). People with BPD often feel emotions more intensely than others. When they’re in crisis, it might feel like everything is falling apart — for them and for you too.
The good news is, there are ways you can help. While you can’t fix everything, your support can make a huge difference. This article will walk you through practical steps you can take to be there for someone with BPD when things get tough.
Table of Contents:
What does a BPD crisis look like?
A crisis for someone with BPD can look different from person to person, but it often includes:
- Intense emotional distress
- Self-harm or suicidal thoughts
- Angry outbursts
- Panic or anxiety attacks
- Sudden withdrawal or silence
- Impulsive or risky behaviour
Crises can be triggered by anything that feels like abandonment, rejection or loss of control. A message left on ‘read’, a change in plans or even a neutral tone of voice can sometimes spark a strong reaction.
To someone without BPD, the response may seem out of proportion, but it’s important to remember that the pain they feel is very real. Their emotions aren’t just “dramatic” — they’re overwhelming and, in the moment, feel completely consuming.
Supporting a person in a crisis: The steps to take
First things first: Stay calm
If your loved one is in crisis, one of the most helpful things you can do is stay calm. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel anxious or upset yourself, but try not to react with panic, anger or judgement.
Take a deep breath. Speak gently. Stay present.
People with BPD often pick up on tone, facial expressions and body language more intensely. If they sense that you’re annoyed or scared, it might worsen their distress. Showing that you’re calm and grounded can help them feel safer in the moment.
Listen — really listen
Often, people in crisis don’t want solutions straight away — they want to feel heard.
Try to:
- Make eye contact (if you’re in person)
- Let them speak without interrupting
- Reflect back what they say: “It sounds like you feel completely overwhelmed right now”
- Avoid minimising their feelings with phrases like “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not that bad”
Let them know you’re listening and that their emotions are valid, even if you don’t fully understand them.
Sometimes just saying, “I’m here. I’m listening,” is enough.
Stay grounded in reality
While validating someone’s feelings, it’s also important to keep things grounded. You can empathise with their emotions without agreeing with harmful thoughts.
For example, if they say, “Everyone hates me,” you might respond with:
“It sounds like you’re feeling really alone right now. I’m here, and I care about you.”
This way, you’re acknowledging their pain without reinforcing false or negative beliefs.
Safety comes first
If someone is talking about harming themselves or ending their life, always take it seriously. It’s not attention-seeking. It’s a sign they’re in deep distress and need support.
You can ask:
- “Are you thinking about hurting yourself?”
- “Do you have a plan?”
- “Can I help you stay safe right now?”
If you’re worried they’re at immediate risk, don’t hesitate to get emergency help. In the UK, you can:
- Call 999 if someone’s life is in danger
- Encourage them to contact Samaritans (116 123, 24/7)
- Go to A&E or a crisis team if they have one
You might feel unsure about calling for help, especially if they’ve asked you not to, but it’s better to be cautious. You can’t support someone if their life is at risk.
Know your role
It’s tempting to want to fix everything — to say the perfect thing or stop the pain. But that’s not your job.
You are not their therapist. You’re their friend, partner, sibling or parent. You can support, listen and be present, but you can’t heal them on your own.
Trying to be everything for someone in crisis can lead to burnout and resentment, which helps no one. Set clear emotional boundaries and seek support for yourself too.
Things you should and shouldn’t say
If you’re not sure what to say, here are some ideas:
- “I’m here for you. You’re not alone.”
- “It makes sense that you’re feeling this way.”
- “You’ve survived this before — you’re strong.”
- “We’ll get through this together.”
- “What do you need from me right now?”
Avoid saying things like:
- “Calm down” (it rarely works)
- “You’re being dramatic”
- “Other people have it worse”
- “You always do this”
These phrases can feel dismissive and might make the situation worse.
Offer practical support
Sometimes emotional support isn’t enough on its own. Offering small, practical help can go a long way. For example:
- Sit with them in person or stay on the phone
- Help distract them with a TV show, walk or music
- Guide them through grounding techniques (like 5-4-3-2-1)
- Offer to find crisis resources together
- Encourage them to stick to a routine — food, water, rest
Ask what helps them when they feel like this. Some people might want hugs or quiet company, while others might need space. Let them guide you.
Help them plan ahead
When the crisis has passed and things feel more stable, it can be useful to make a plan for the future.
You might ask:
- “What usually helps when things feel this bad?”
- “Would it help to make a crisis plan together?”
- “Who else can you reach out to when you’re struggling?”
A crisis plan might include:
- A list of calming strategies
- Trusted people to contact
- Emergency numbers
- Medications or coping tools
- Notes to themselves from a calmer moment
Having a plan ready can help both of you feel more prepared the next time things get tough.
Look after yourself too
Supporting someone with BPD can be emotionally intense. It’s okay to feel tired, frustrated or helpless sometimes. You’re only human.
Make sure you:
- Set boundaries around what you can and can’t do
- Take breaks when you need them
- Talk to someone you trust about how you’re feeling
- Consider joining a support group for carers or loved ones
You don’t need to do it alone. Services like Mind, Rethink Mental Illness or Carers UK can provide information and support.
When professional help is needed
Sometimes, no matter how much you care, your support won’t be enough. And that’s not a failure — it just means they might need professional help.
Encourage them (gently) to reach out to:
- A GP or psychiatrist
- A therapist, especially one trained in DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy)
- A mental health crisis team
Offer to help with the logistics if they’re struggling — make a phone call, attend an appointment, or go with them if they feel anxious.
Final thoughts: Supporting someone in a crisis
Supporting someone with BPD during a crisis isn’t always easy, but your presence can mean more than you realise. You don’t need to have all the answers. Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is show up and stay.
Let them know that even in their darkest moments, they are not too much. They are not alone. And they are worthy of love and support, just as they are.
Take care of them — and take care of yourself too.
Useful resources in the UK
- Samaritans – 116 123 (free, 24/7)
- Shout Crisis Text Line – Text SHOUT to 85258
- Mind – mind.org.uk
- Rethink Mental Illness – rethink.org
- NHS 111 – Non-emergency medical advice
- CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) – thecalmzone.net
