When you’re trying to help someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), it’s easy to make missteps—even when your heart’s in the right place. This blog gently explores some common mistakes supporters make and how to support more effectively.
Supporting a loved one with BPD is a deeply compassionate act. You’re likely here because you care—deeply. You want to be helpful, understanding and present. But sometimes, even the most well-intentioned actions can cause more distress than comfort.
The good news? With greater awareness, you can avoid the common pitfalls and offer support that truly nurtures both your loved one and your relationship. Let’s walk through them together.
Table of Contents:
1. Trying to “fix” their emotions
Emotions aren’t problems to solve
People with BPD often experience intense emotions that can feel overwhelming to outsiders. When someone you care about is hurting, it’s only natural to want to swoop in and fix things.
You might say things like:
- “Don’t worry, it’s not that bad.”
- “You just need to calm down.”
- “Think positive!”
Although meant kindly, these responses can come across as dismissive. They suggest the person’s emotions are invalid or inappropriate.
What helps instead
Listen. Validate. Sit with them.
Try phrases like:
- “That sounds really painful.”
- “I’m here with you.”
- “It makes sense that you feel that way.”
Validation doesn’t mean you agree with every thought or reaction. It means you recognise the emotion as real and understandable.
2. Taking their reactions personally
It’s not about you
People with BPD can struggle with emotional regulation, which means their reactions may seem disproportionate. You might find yourself on the receiving end of anger, withdrawal or even accusations.
It’s easy to take it personally—especially if you’ve done your best to be kind. But here’s the truth: most of the time, these reactions aren’t really about you. They’re expressions of deep fear, pain or insecurity.
What helps instead
Try not to internalise it. Create some emotional distance so you can respond calmly. Remind yourself: They’re hurting. This is a symptom, not an attack.
That said, you still deserve respect. Supporting someone doesn’t mean tolerating abuse. Boundaries are essential (more on that shortly).
3. Walking on eggshells
Over-adjusting causes tension
Many supporters become overly cautious—avoiding topics, changing behaviours or over-accommodating—to avoid triggering their loved one. While the intent is kind, this often increases anxiety on both sides.
Walking on eggshells can lead to a lack of authenticity and emotional disconnection, which can be painful for both of you.
What helps instead
Be yourself—kindly and clearly. Say what you mean, but say it gently. People with BPD often crave honesty and security, even if they find it hard to process in the moment.
Being real, while still compassionate, builds trust. You’re not responsible for every emotional reaction they have. You are responsible for being respectful and clear.
4. Setting no boundaries (or too rigid ones)
Boundaries show care
Supporters sometimes think that setting boundaries is selfish or unkind, especially when the other person is struggling. Others may set very strict, sudden boundaries when feeling overwhelmed.
Neither extreme is helpful. Without boundaries, resentment builds. With rigid rules, relationships feel cold or controlling.
What helps instead
Think of boundaries as relationship guidelines. They show your loved one how to interact with you in a way that supports connection and safety.
Some examples:
- “I want to talk, but I can’t respond to messages late at night.”
- “I care about you, but I can’t stay if I’m being shouted at.”
Boundaries are about protecting the relationship, not punishing the person.
5. Getting caught in the crisis cycle
The push-pull dynamic
It’s common for people with BPD to have intense fears of abandonment. This can lead to emotional swings—clinginess followed by withdrawal or outbursts.
Supporters may get pulled into this emotional rollercoaster, feeling like they must be constantly available to prove their loyalty. This can be exhausting and unsustainable.
What helps instead
Stay consistent. Don’t overcommit in the high points or disappear in the low ones. Be gently reliable. Let your loved one know you care, but that you can’t always be “on call.”
Avoid reacting to every crisis with urgency unless it’s a genuine emergency. Sometimes, space and calm do more good than panicked fixing.
6. Ignoring your own needs
You can’t pour from an empty cup
Supporting someone with BPD can be draining, especially if you neglect your own wellbeing. It’s easy to get so caught up in their needs that you forget your own.
But burnout leads to frustration, distance and even guilt. It doesn’t help either of you.
What helps instead
Make self-care non-negotiable. Get support—whether from friends, a therapist or support groups. Make time for hobbies, rest and things that bring you joy.
Remember: caring for yourself isn’t abandoning them. It’s how you stay strong enough to be present over the long term.
7. Expecting linear progress
Healing isn’t a straight line
It can be disheartening to see your loved one make progress, only to relapse into old patterns. You might think, “We already dealt with this—why are we back here?”
This isn’t failure. It’s the nature of BPD and emotional healing in general.
What helps instead
Adjust your expectations. Focus less on outcomes and more on presence. Celebrate small wins. Be patient.
Recovery is often two steps forward, one step back—and that’s OK. What matters most is that they feel supported through the process, not pressured to be “better” quickly.
8. Minimising the diagnosis
It’s not “just mood swings”
Some supporters downplay the severity of BPD because they want to be reassuring. You might say things like:
- “Everyone has ups and downs.”
- “I’m sure it’s not that serious.”
- “Labels don’t matter.”
While well-meaning, this can feel dismissive. It invalidates the struggle your loved one is facing.
What helps instead
Acknowledge the difficulty without defining them by it. Say things like:
- “I know BPD can make things really tough sometimes.”
- “You’re more than your diagnosis, but I understand it’s a part of your experience.”
Validation, again, is key.
9. Assuming they don’t want help
Pain can look like resistance
When someone with BPD pushes you away, it may seem like they don’t want support at all. You might think: “What’s the point if they don’t even try?”
But this pushback often comes from fear—of being a burden, of being hurt or abandoned. What looks like rejection may be self-protection.
What helps instead
Be gently persistent. Respect their space when needed, but don’t disappear. Let them know you’re there and that they’re worth supporting, even when it’s hard.
Offer help without pressure. Sometimes just being present and consistent speaks louder than any words.
10. Forgetting that you’re human, too
Perfect isn’t the goal
You won’t get it right every time. You’ll say the wrong thing, lose patience or feel confused. That doesn’t make you a bad supporter—it makes you human.
What helps instead
Apologise when needed, and forgive yourself. Learn, grow and keep showing up. Compassion—for both of you—is the foundation of all meaningful support.
Final thoughts: Common mistakes well-meaning supporters make
Supporting someone with BPD is a journey—one that asks for patience, self-awareness and a lot of heart. Mistakes are part of the process. What matters is your willingness to keep learning and your commitment to showing up with kindness.
You don’t have to be perfect. Just present. Just real. And above all, remember: your wellbeing matters too.
If you’re struggling to support someone with BPD, don’t be afraid to seek guidance. There are therapists, peer groups and resources out there to help you stay grounded and connected.
You’re not alone, and you’re doing better than you think.
