Living with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be confusing, exhausting and overwhelming. Whether you have the condition yourself or you’re supporting someone who does, understanding the symptoms is a good place to start.
BPD affects how people feel about themselves and others, which can lead to challenges in relationships, emotions and self-image. The symptoms can vary in intensity and don’t always show up in the same way for everyone. But there are nine core traits that tend to come up again and again.
Let’s take a look at each of them and what they might look like in everyday life.
Table of Contents:
Understanding the 9 core symptoms of BPD
1. Fear of abandonment
The worry that people will leave
One of the most common and distressing symptoms of BPD is a deep fear of being abandoned or rejected. This fear can come on suddenly and feel completely overwhelming, even if there’s no real sign that someone is planning to leave.
You might worry that a friend taking longer than usual to reply means they’re pulling away. Or feel intense panic if a partner talks about needing space or time alone.
This fear can sometimes lead to frantic efforts to keep people close, like calling or messaging repeatedly, begging someone not to leave or doing things you later regret. Ironically, these behaviours can push people away, which then reinforces the fear and creates a painful cycle.
2. Unstable relationships
A rollercoaster of closeness and conflict
People with BPD often have intense but short-lived relationships. These can swing from extreme closeness and idealisation to sudden anger or disappointment. Someone might go from being seen as perfect to being seen as cruel or untrustworthy – sometimes within the same day.
You might feel deeply connected to someone one moment and then suddenly feel hurt, angry or rejected the next. Small changes in their behaviour can feel huge. Relationships can feel all-consuming and then fall apart quickly, which can be very painful and confusing for everyone involved.
3. Unclear or shifting self-image
Who am I, really?
Many people with BPD struggle with a shaky or changing sense of identity. You might not be sure who you are, what you believe in or what you want out of life. You may notice your values, goals, likes and dislikes change often, sometimes depending on who you’re around.
Some people describe feeling like they don’t have a clear idea of themselves at all. This can make it hard to make decisions, feel confident or maintain a consistent direction in life. You might also feel like a different person in different situations.
4. Impulsive behaviour
Acting fast without thinking it through
Another symptom of BPD is doing things on impulse – especially things that can be harmful or risky. This might include binge eating, spending money you don’t have, using drugs or alcohol, reckless driving or unsafe sex.
These behaviours can feel like a way to escape painful feelings in the moment, even if you regret them later. Not everyone with BPD will show this symptom, and not all impulsive behaviour is harmful – but when it is, it can cause serious problems.
5. Intense emotional swings
Feeling everything, all at once
People with BPD often feel emotions more strongly than others. A minor setback might trigger a powerful wave of sadness, anger or fear. And the emotions can change quickly and unpredictably – going from calm to upset and back again within a few hours.
This isn’t just about being “moody”. The emotional pain can feel very real and overwhelming. You might feel like your emotions control you, not the other way around. This intensity can also make it harder to return to a calm state after being upset.
6. Chronic feelings of emptiness
A deep sense that something’s missing
Many people with BPD describe a persistent feeling of emptiness, like there’s a hole inside that can’t be filled. This feeling can be hard to explain, but it’s often linked with boredom, loneliness or a lack of purpose.
You might try to fill this void with things like food, sex, shopping or other distractions – but the emptiness keeps coming back. It can feel like you’re disconnected from the world or from your own self, even when you’re surrounded by others.
7. Intense anger
Quick to flare, hard to control
Anger is a normal human emotion, but in BPD it can feel especially strong and hard to manage. It might come out as shouting, sarcasm, throwing things or even physical fights. Or it might stay bottled up inside, leading to bitterness or resentment.
You might feel angry about things that seem small to others, or find it hard to let go of grudges. Sometimes the anger can appear suddenly and pass just as quickly. This can damage relationships and leave you feeling guilty or confused about what just happened.
8. Feeling suspicious or disconnected from reality
When your mind plays tricks on you
Under stress, some people with BPD experience episodes of paranoia or dissociation. Paranoia might involve feeling like others are out to get you, judging you or talking behind your back – even when there’s no real evidence.
Dissociation, on the other hand, is a feeling of being “out of it”. You might feel spaced out, numb, or like you’re watching yourself from outside your body. These experiences can be scary and disorienting, especially if they happen often.
9. Self-harm or suicidal thoughts
A way to cope with unbearable pain
Some people with BPD turn to self-harm as a way of coping with intense emotional pain. This might include cutting, burning, hitting themselves or other harmful behaviours. Others might have thoughts of suicide or make suicide attempts.
These actions are not about seeking attention. They’re usually a sign of deep emotional distress and a way to try to gain relief, feel in control or express feelings that are hard to put into words.
If you or someone you know is feeling this way, it’s important to reach out for help. You are not alone, and there is support available.
What does all this mean?
You are more than your symptoms.
It’s important to remember that BPD is not a life sentence, and having these symptoms doesn’t make you a bad person. It simply means you’re struggling with emotions and relationships in ways that make sense given your past experiences.
Many people with BPD have been through trauma, neglect or unstable environments growing up. These symptoms often develop as ways to cope and survive. They may not serve you well now, but they made sense at the time.
With the right support, people with BPD can and do go on to lead happy, stable and fulfilling lives. Therapy – particularly dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) – has helped many people learn new ways to manage emotions and build stronger relationships.
Supporting someone with BPD
Compassion goes a long way.
If someone you care about has BPD, it can sometimes feel like walking on eggshells. Their emotions might seem unpredictable or intense, and it’s easy to feel helpless or frustrated.
But your support can make a big difference. Try to stay calm, listen without judgement and set clear but kind boundaries. Let them know that you care and that you’re there for them, even when things get tough.
Learning more about BPD can also help you understand their experience and respond in a way that’s supportive for both of you.
Final thoughts: The 9 core symptoms of BPD explained
Living with BPD is not easy, but it is possible to manage the symptoms and lead a meaningful life. The first step is understanding what’s going on and recognising that these symptoms are signs of pain – not signs of failure.
Whether you’re navigating this journey yourself or supporting someone else, know that things can get better. With time, support and the right tools, change is not just possible – it’s very real.
