Supporting someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be both rewarding and challenging. When you care deeply about someone with BPD, you naturally want to help them feel better and improve their wellbeing. But even with the best intentions, it’s easy to make mistakes that can accidentally make things harder for your loved one — and for you too.
The good news? Most of these mistakes are easy to avoid once you know what to look out for. In this article, we’ll explore some common pitfalls and offer practical tips on how to better support someone with BPD while also taking care of yourself.
Table of Contents:
Mistake 1: Taking everything personally
People with BPD often struggle with intense emotions and fears of abandonment. This can sometimes show up as anger, mood swings or sudden emotional reactions. If you’re on the receiving end of this, it can feel confusing or hurtful — especially if you feel like you’ve done nothing wrong.
What this looks like
- Feeling rejected or hurt by emotional outbursts
- Assuming they’re angry at you rather than their situation or inner experience
- Getting defensive when they express pain or frustration
A better approach
Try to remind yourself that their reactions are often rooted in fear, pain or trauma, not a reflection of how they truly feel about you. You don’t need to accept mistreatment, but staying calm and not reacting defensively can help de-escalate intense moments. Setting boundaries kindly (we’ll come back to this later) can also help everyone feel safer.
Mistake 2: Trying to “fix” them
If someone you love is hurting, it’s natural to want to make it better. But when it comes to BPD, trying to “solve” the problem or “cure” your loved one can feel invalidating or even controlling. BPD isn’t a problem to be fixed — it’s a mental health condition that requires time, understanding and often professional support.
What this looks like
- Giving lots of advice when they just want to be heard
- Pushing them to go to therapy when they’re not ready
- Getting frustrated when they don’t follow your suggestions
A better approach
Instead of rushing to fix things, try listening without judgement. Ask if they want advice or just someone to be there. You can still encourage healthy choices, but let them take the lead. Showing faith in their ability to cope — even when they’re struggling — can help build their confidence over time.
Mistake 3: Walking on eggshells
Some supporters try to avoid upsetting their loved one by being overly careful with what they say or do. While this may seem like the kind thing to do, it can lead to emotional distance, resentment or even increased anxiety for both of you.
What this looks like
- Avoiding difficult conversations
- Hiding your true feelings to keep the peace
- Agreeing to things you’re not comfortable with
A better approach
Open, honest communication is key in any relationship — and that includes ones involving BPD. It’s okay to talk about your needs, feelings and concerns, as long as you do so with kindness and care. Your loved one may actually feel safer knowing where they stand and that you’re being real with them.
Mistake 4: Not setting boundaries
Many supporters worry that setting boundaries will seem cold or unloving. But clear, respectful boundaries are actually one of the most supportive things you can offer someone with BPD. Boundaries provide a sense of safety, predictability and mutual respect.
What this looks like
- Always being available, even when you’re exhausted
- Putting their needs ahead of yours every time
- Avoiding saying “no” out of guilt
A better approach
Boundaries aren’t about punishing or controlling the other person — they’re about protecting your own wellbeing while showing your loved one that healthy relationships have limits. A good boundary might sound like, “I really want to be here for you, but I need to take a break and rest. Can we talk in a bit?”
Mistake 5: Assuming all behaviour is BPD-related
It’s easy to start seeing everything your loved one does through the lens of BPD. While the condition may influence their emotions or reactions, they’re still a whole person with thoughts, values and preferences that aren’t always linked to their diagnosis.
What this looks like
- Dismissing feelings as “just a symptom”
- Ignoring valid concerns or criticisms
- Talking about them as if they are their diagnosis
A better approach
Try to stay curious and open-minded. Ask questions rather than making assumptions. For example, if they’re upset, you might say, “I want to understand what’s going on — can you help me get where you’re coming from?” This shows respect for their experience and reminds them that you see them, not just their condition.
Mistake 6: Believing recovery is a straight line
Supporting someone through recovery from BPD (or any mental health challenge) can be a rollercoaster. There may be periods of progress followed by setbacks, and it’s easy to feel discouraged or wonder if things will ever improve.
What this looks like
- Expecting quick results from therapy or medication
- Feeling frustrated when old patterns return
- Losing hope after a tough patch
A better approach
Try to think of recovery as a journey, not a destination. Progress may be slow or non-linear, but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening. Celebrate the small wins — getting through a tough day, recognising a trigger, asking for help — and remind yourself that setbacks are a normal part of growth.
Mistake 7: Forgetting your own needs
Caring for someone with BPD can take a lot of emotional energy. It’s easy to focus so much on their wellbeing that you forget to take care of yourself. But your mental health matters too — and you can’t pour from an empty cup.
What this looks like
- Skipping sleep, meals or self-care
- Neglecting your own relationships or interests
- Feeling guilty for taking time away
A better approach
You’re allowed to have needs, limits and a life of your own. In fact, your loved one will benefit from seeing you take care of yourself. Whether it’s spending time with friends, going to therapy, or just having a quiet moment to recharge, making space for yourself isn’t selfish — it’s essential.
Mistake 8: Expecting your role to stay the same
Relationships evolve, especially when someone is dealing with a mental health condition like BPD. You might start off as their main support, but over time they may build other supports, develop skills or want more independence. That’s a positive sign — but it can also feel a bit unsettling.
What this looks like
- Feeling left out when they open up to others
- Worrying that they don’t need you anymore
- Resisting changes in the relationship dynamic
A better approach
Try to embrace change as a sign of growth. If your loved one is becoming more confident, connected or self-sufficient, it means your support has helped. It’s okay to talk about your feelings, too. Let them know you’re proud of them, and find new ways to stay connected as the relationship evolves.
Mistake 9: Not learning about BPD
While you don’t need to become an expert, having a basic understanding of BPD can help you feel more confident and less overwhelmed. It can also make your loved one feel seen and understood.
What this looks like
- Relying on stereotypes or myths
- Not knowing what to expect in a crisis
- Feeling helpless or unsure how to help
A better approach
There are plenty of accessible resources out there — books, podcasts, online forums, even support groups for families and friends. Learning more about BPD can make a big difference, and your loved one may really appreciate the effort.
Mistake 10: Thinking you have to do it alone
Supporting someone with BPD can feel isolating at times. You might worry that others won’t understand, or that talking about it feels like a betrayal. But you deserve support too — and you’re not alone.
What this looks like
- Keeping your struggles to yourself
- Avoiding support groups or therapy
- Believing no one else gets it
A better approach
Talking to a therapist, joining a carers’ group or even just confiding in a trusted friend can help you feel less alone. You don’t have to share every detail — just knowing someone’s there for you can make a big difference.
Final thoughts: Common mistakes BPD supporters make
Supporting someone with BPD isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being human — learning, growing and showing up with compassion and care. Mistakes will happen, and that’s okay. What matters most is your willingness to understand and support your loved one in ways that are kind to both of you.
By avoiding these common mistakes and practising patience, boundaries and self-care, you can build a relationship that feels more balanced, connected and hopeful for everyone involved.
