We all have impulsive moments. Whether it’s a late-night snack or a spontaneous online purchase, acting on impulse now and then is completely human. But for some people, especially those living with borderline personality disorder (BPD), impulsive behaviour can be more intense, more frequent and sometimes risky. It might look like reckless spending, sudden outbursts, self-harm or risky choices in relationships.
If you love or care for someone who struggles with impulsive behaviour, it can sometimes be confusing, upsetting or even exhausting. You might find yourself feeling helpless or unsure what to do. But there are ways you can support someone without trying to control or fix them.
Let’s talk about what impulsive behaviour looks like, why it happens and how you can support someone in a calm, compassionate and realistic way.
Table of Contents:
Understanding impulsive behaviour
What is impulsive behaviour?
Impulsive behaviour means acting quickly without thinking things through. It often happens in the heat of the moment and is driven by strong emotions or a need for relief. While everyone can be impulsive sometimes, it can be more intense for people with BPD or similar conditions.
Impulsivity in BPD might include:
- Spending large sums of money
- Risky sexual behaviour
- Binge eating
- Self-harm
- Reckless driving
- Quitting jobs or relationships suddenly
These actions are often attempts to manage overwhelming emotions, fill a sense of emptiness or cope with fear of abandonment.
Why does it happen?
For someone with BPD, emotions can feel huge and intense. Their nervous system might be more sensitive to stress or rejection. Impulsive behaviours can feel like a quick way to escape painful feelings or try to feel something when feeling numb.
It’s important to remember: these actions aren’t about manipulation or attention. They’re coping strategies that have likely developed over time. They might not be helpful or safe, but they make sense in the moment to the person experiencing them.
What not to do
Before we get into what to do, here are a few things to avoid. These often come from a place of love, but they can be unhelpful or even damaging.
Don’t shame or lecture
Saying things like “Why would you do that?” or “You need to stop being so irresponsible” might feel like tough love, but it’s more likely to make the person feel ashamed and alone. Shame fuels impulsivity, not the other way around.
Don’t try to control them
It’s tempting to step in and take over by hiding credit cards, banning certain apps or constantly monitoring them. But this can damage trust and make them feel like they have no autonomy. It’s okay to set boundaries, but trying to control someone rarely works long-term.
Don’t take it personally
Impulsive behaviour can sometimes hurt the people around it, both emotionally or practically. But it’s not usually done to you. Try to keep in mind that the behaviour is about managing internal pain, not about disrespecting you.
How to offer support
Supporting someone doesn’t mean fixing everything or putting your needs aside. It’s about showing up, listening and gently encouraging healthier ways to cope.
Stay calm
It’s natural to feel alarmed or upset when someone you care about does something impulsive. But if you can, try to respond calmly. Take a breath. Use a steady tone. If you need time to process, it’s okay to step away and return when you feel more grounded.
Your calm presence can be a powerful anchor when their emotions feel out of control.
Offer curiosity, not judgment
Instead of jumping to conclusions, try asking gentle questions. For example:
- “Do you want to talk about what happened?”
- “What were you feeling just before that?”
- “Is there anything I can do to help right now?”
These questions show that you’re interested in their experience, not just their actions. It also helps them reflect on what triggered the behaviour without feeling attacked.
Validate their feelings
Validation doesn’t mean you approve of the behaviour. It just means you recognise their feelings are real and important. You might say:
- “That sounds really overwhelming”
- “I can see why you felt like that in the moment”
- “You’re not a bad person for struggling”
Validation builds trust and helps people feel less alone in their experience.
Gently explore alternatives
Once things have calmed down, you might explore other ways to cope together. You can suggest creating a list of calming activities or distractions for future moments of stress—like going for a walk, texting a friend or using grounding techniques.
You could also offer to help them find professional support, like a therapist trained in dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), which is often helpful for BPD.
Remember: the goal isn’t to replace impulsive behaviours overnight. It’s about building a toolkit, bit by bit.
Be a safe sounding board
Sometimes, just giving someone space to talk out loud can prevent impulsive decisions. If they say, “I’m thinking of quitting my job today,” you might respond with, “That sounds like a big move. Want to talk through what’s making you feel that way first?”
Even if they go ahead with the action, knowing you’re open and non-reactive can help them pause in future.
Help them slow down the moment
Impulsivity thrives on speed. You can encourage slowing things down with phrases like:
- “Let’s sit with this for a minute”
- “How would Future You feel about this?”
- “Want to go for a quick walk before deciding?”
Small pauses can make a big difference.
Create a “calm plan” together
When the person is feeling steady, suggest putting together a simple action plan for when things feel chaotic. This could include:
- A list of people to call or message
- Activities that help distract or ground them
- A reminder note written by their calmer self
You might even keep a copy of this plan if they want you to help them use it.
Praise effort, not outcomes
If they manage to pause before acting, or talk to you instead of going straight to an impulsive behaviour, acknowledge it. Try:
- “That must have taken a lot of strength”
- “I noticed you stopped and thought things through. That’s huge”
- “Even if it didn’t go perfectly, you’re trying—and I see that”
Recognition encourages healthier habits far more than criticism does.
Setting boundaries with care
Being supportive doesn’t mean putting up with everything. It’s important to look after your own wellbeing too.
Be honest about what you can handle
If certain behaviours impact your mental health or safety, it’s okay to say so. For example:
- “I care about you so much, but I need to step back when things get really intense so I can look after myself too”
- “I want to support you, but I can’t lend money anymore”
Boundaries are not punishments. They’re a way to protect your relationship and stay connected in a healthier way.
Stick to your word with kindness
It’s hard to set limits, especially when someone you love is struggling. But following through with your boundaries (kindly) helps create consistency. It also shows that love doesn’t have to mean rescuing or fixing.
Taking care of yourself
Caring for someone who struggles with impulsive behaviour can bring up a lot of emotions like fear, guilt, anger, sadness. You deserve support too.
Talk to someone you trust
Whether it’s a friend, therapist or support group, having a place to talk about your own feelings is essential. You don’t have to carry everything alone.
Learn more about BPD
Understanding the condition can help you feel more compassionate and less overwhelmed. Knowing that there’s a reason behind the behaviour can shift the way you respond.
Celebrate the small wins
Progress might be slow and non-linear. But every time you respond with patience, every time they pause before acting, every time you both have a calm moment is a win. Acknowledge it.
Final thoughts: How to support someone with impulsive behaviours
Supporting someone with impulsive behaviours isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. It’s about listening, validating and gently encouraging healthier ways to cope, while also respecting your own needs.
You won’t always get it right—and that’s OK. Just showing up with kindness, curiosity and patience can make a world of difference.
Remember: people are more than their behaviour. And with the right support, change is possible.
